A letter to her

To my birth mother,

More than 30 years ago, two families had a new born baby girl come into their lives. For my family it was a great time of joy; my parents had tried to conceive for years, without any luck. You gave them the best gift they could have dreamed of...you made them both parents because of your act of love. 

Your selfless decision to give life has been on my mind as long as I could carry on a conversation. I've wondered about you my entire life, although it may not be why you think. You see I am the nosiest person most have ever met or so they think at first. But soon they realize  I absolutely love stories of life, love, happiness, the good times and the bad, I even want to know about the dogs, the yard and the dreams of every person I meet. My love for others is the reason I desire to know you... I just want to know my whole story and know yours, too.

My story of my first six weeks of being in this world consist of three pieces of paper with information about you and my birth father and both of your families. Then it fast forwards to six weeks later when my parents took me home. While this would be plenty for the average person, I can’t sleep some nights because I wish I knew what I was like when you were pregnant with me and what my first day in this world was like. I also wonder what my heritage is, what is my medical history other than what I know of past 30 years, how was your pregnancy, did you have a difficult pregnancy and so much more.

In April of this year I started searching full force. I feel closer than ever and think I may know who you are, but something in my heart told me to stop. As I have told all my friends, family and church family, if there is a chance at a relationship, then I want to do all I can to preserve it. As much, if not more, as I have a burden on my heart to meet you, I have a burden on my heart to pray for you. I pray for you daily. 

I pray for you because from my birth papers it appears that you know a lot about my birth father, but that you all were not together. I imagine that those nine months were some of the toughest and loneliest. I just wish I could have been there as a friend, to comfort you and love you.  I would have listened and supported you during those 9 months. I would have told you what a gift you are about to give another family and how strong you are for making a such a grown up decision at a young age. 

I pray your family and friends were supportive and that you weren't all alone those 9 months, but  part of me knows that you were and its that loneliness that is our connection. Because alone is the feeling I know best and I wonder if it was just you and I during those 9 months. Did you talk to me and just me during that time? Is that why I always have a conversation going on in my head? Have I already heard your story once or maybe multiple times during those nine months and just need an update on the past 30 years?

I could ramble for days, but it is important for me to let you know I love you. I don’t love you as a mom, because I don’t know you as a mom. I don’t seek a motherly relationship, because I have a great mom and step mom. But I do want to know you like I know all those in my life. I want to hug you, because I hug everyone, even those with personal bubbles {I act like I can’t tell and hug them anyways}. I want to have coffee and tell you I am ok now,  I've not always been, but I am today. 

I want you to know that I don’t blame you for anything, which sounds silly to have to say at all. And that I am grateful for what you did. I was created for my family. I even look like them, go figure! I love them and they love me, they even support me during my quest for you. All I can do now, is hope that someway, somehow you will find this letter. I hope it’s a perfect sunny day when you read it, when your heart is open and your mind is curious. Until then, I will continue to pray for God’s timing to bring our lives together, again.

With love,
Cate

{born May 24, 1984 in Chattanooga, Tennessee}