life.

I am learning more and more about myself. A few short weeks ago, I was so excited about running and getting back into the gym. Don't get me wrong I am still focused and working out some and eating right, but I have lost the enthusiasm, which may be for the best.

I have always been the girl looking for a plan and that plan is always changing. I know it drives my close friends and family crazy, but I don't think they get that it drives me crazy, too. I just want to believe in what I am doing and to love it. I don't want to look back in 5 years and be in a career that I am not passionate about.... that's just not me.

Anyways, back to the gym. My goal is still to be healthy and to eat better and feel better, but I am enjoying the lack of enthusiasm. I went home each day this week on my lunch break and prepared a healthy meal. Not because it's week one of operation get thin, but because {I think} it may be a change in lifestyle! Woot, woot!

This is just a theory, but I feel very settled as of lately. Instead of thinking through everything and trying so hard, it has been effortless. I look at food and I realize what I decision I need to make, instead of it being such a struggle. I believe I have found my inner voice, as well as the ability to listen to it and act accordingly. It feels good.

As mentioned in previous post, I have made series of bad decisions in the past{Pretty much from August 2006-April 2008}. Although the bad decisions stopped years ago, there has been an indescribable amount of guilt that I couldn't let go. Almost daily I think of those bad decisions. I can now think of them without wincing or closing my eyes, but it's disappointing all the same. 

What I have discovered is I am worthy of a prosperous future. I don't have to doubt myself anymore. I am capable of making good decisions and quite frankly I make more good decisions than bad ones these days! Exciting stuff, you know!

So that's where I am today. I am worthy and capable of all things good. I still need to be thoughtful in my plans and my meaning because temptation exist, but I know I am stronger today then I quite possibly have ever been.

Joshua 1:9

the fight worth fighting.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

- Benjamin Franklin

I am preparing. I am not sure all that goes into this just yet, but I know I am changing my actions and working  towards a goal of being healthier. As I ran tonight, I looked over at myself and could already see some slight changes in my body. I am not satisfied, but I am proud of my progress.

As I ran tonight I also thought, "what a great gift I will be able to give my children. The gift of health and fitness. Not the burden of weight issues." This alone makes it all worth it. By no means am I at a point in my life where I will be getting married soon or having kids, but I do know that it's in my future and I do not want them to deal with all I have. I wasn't picked on or made fun of... at least not to my face, but I have struggled with it my weight and I just couldn't handle knowing that I didn't do my best to prevent my children from dealing with same issues with their weight.

 Tonight when I wanted to stop and just walk, I pushed through the pain. It suddenly became easier. As if I was rewarded for pushing on. It felt good to push myself and know that I am bettering my life, as well as extending it. I had forgotten how good that feels.

I know there will be struggles ahead. There will be days I just don't want to go to the gym, but I think this time it will be different. It's not about getting skinny this time, it's about getting my life back and being healthy. This is the fight for my life and I am doing everything I possibly can to guarantee I succeed this time around. So please if you see me slacking call me out on it. Don't let me forget. Hold me accountable, because this is a fight worth fighting. And winning.

she was running.

This morning I woke up at 7:30 and decided I would take Molly on a long walk. I got outside and it felt perfect so I decided to jog. I jogged for much longer than I thought I had the capability. It was exciting.

I have laid in bed many of nights unhappy with my body. I would lay there dreaming of days when I was much smaller. The days when I wore the outfit I planned on wearing because it fit perfect. Not the current days where I wear what fits... and usually not my first pick. On top of dreaming of thinner days, I have been working on eating better and getting on a schedule.

In hind sight I have been preparing. Been preparing for the day I would have the courage to accept responsibility for my future. My mind was clear and free and I just ran. I focused on my breathing and not the million things that have been on my mind the past few months.

It was exhilarating.

I keep thinking all day that I can do this. Instead of talking myself out of it, like I have been for 6 years, I talked myself into it. I've always envied runners. I would watch them run through the park or on the streets downtown and it looked so freeing. I craved that feeling of stepping out my door and just taking off, but I had convinced myself that couldn't be me.

Looking back over the years I realize I have done that a lot. Not so much recently, but definitely in my Knoxville life. I had lost all the weight 6 years ago and was happy with my body for the first time ever. I was confident and could walk into any room and look people in the eye. I now walk in, head down and concerned people will stare because of my size. I think part of it is the disappointment of putting the weight back on. Knowing how hard I worked to lose it and then without concern for myself I watched as my weight increased.

What I have learned about myself is that if I want something bad enough then I will do all I can to get it. I have wanted to lose the weight in recent years and have given half a$%ed attempts to do so, but something changed on Sunday.

As many of you know Annie and Justin Koozer mean the world to me. Brett and I meet up with them as often as possible and this Sunday was no different. Maybe it was the inspiration from church that morning or just the great company that day, but I was moved either way. As we caught up with them, Annie shared she had just started couch to 5K on Saturday and Justin had ran 6 miles the same day. Admittedly I told them I have had the couch to 5K app for months. I also shared that I always wanted to be a runner, as well as expressed my strong desire lately to get back in shape. Justin assured me he's never been a runner, but he sat a goal, signed up for races and in pure Justin style accomplished his goal.

So here I am sitting with Annie, who six weeks ago had a C section, and is training for a 5K in December and a 1/2 marathon in April. Next to her is Justin who while Annie is running a 1/2 marathon he will be running the marathon.

So what's stopping me?

They have faith in me, why don't I? Why am I so scared to do something I have done before.

I realized something... I can conquer this weight issue once and for all. I have the love and support in my life. I can do it.

So as I thought about this all day, I not only convinced myself that I can do this, I told myself I will do it. Because I love spending time with Brett, I have decided we can do it... haha. And tonight after we cleaned the apartment and uncluttered some, we walked to the gym. We got on treadmills side by side and walked through a nice warm up. I then sped up my and started jogging. We were on the treadmills for 20 minutes and I ran three different times. I bet I ran for nearly 14-15 of those minutes. It's not amazing but it's a start and that's really all I needed... a start, a beginning.

The rest will hopefully come. I have laid the groundwork for me to succeed and truly believe in myself... for the first time in a long time.

Wish me luck and I will keep you all posted.