A letter to her

To my birth mother,

More than 30 years ago, two families had a new born baby girl come into their lives. For my family it was a great time of joy; my parents had tried to conceive for years, without any luck. You gave them the best gift they could have dreamed of...you made them both parents because of your act of love. 

Your selfless decision to give life has been on my mind as long as I could carry on a conversation. I've wondered about you my entire life, although it may not be why you think. You see I am the nosiest person most have ever met or so they think at first. But soon they realize  I absolutely love stories of life, love, happiness, the good times and the bad, I even want to know about the dogs, the yard and the dreams of every person I meet. My love for others is the reason I desire to know you... I just want to know my whole story and know yours, too.

My story of my first six weeks of being in this world consist of three pieces of paper with information about you and my birth father and both of your families. Then it fast forwards to six weeks later when my parents took me home. While this would be plenty for the average person, I can’t sleep some nights because I wish I knew what I was like when you were pregnant with me and what my first day in this world was like. I also wonder what my heritage is, what is my medical history other than what I know of past 30 years, how was your pregnancy, did you have a difficult pregnancy and so much more.

In April of this year I started searching full force. I feel closer than ever and think I may know who you are, but something in my heart told me to stop. As I have told all my friends, family and church family, if there is a chance at a relationship, then I want to do all I can to preserve it. As much, if not more, as I have a burden on my heart to meet you, I have a burden on my heart to pray for you. I pray for you daily. 

I pray for you because from my birth papers it appears that you know a lot about my birth father, but that you all were not together. I imagine that those nine months were some of the toughest and loneliest. I just wish I could have been there as a friend, to comfort you and love you.  I would have listened and supported you during those 9 months. I would have told you what a gift you are about to give another family and how strong you are for making a such a grown up decision at a young age. 

I pray your family and friends were supportive and that you weren't all alone those 9 months, but  part of me knows that you were and its that loneliness that is our connection. Because alone is the feeling I know best and I wonder if it was just you and I during those 9 months. Did you talk to me and just me during that time? Is that why I always have a conversation going on in my head? Have I already heard your story once or maybe multiple times during those nine months and just need an update on the past 30 years?

I could ramble for days, but it is important for me to let you know I love you. I don’t love you as a mom, because I don’t know you as a mom. I don’t seek a motherly relationship, because I have a great mom and step mom. But I do want to know you like I know all those in my life. I want to hug you, because I hug everyone, even those with personal bubbles {I act like I can’t tell and hug them anyways}. I want to have coffee and tell you I am ok now,  I've not always been, but I am today. 

I want you to know that I don’t blame you for anything, which sounds silly to have to say at all. And that I am grateful for what you did. I was created for my family. I even look like them, go figure! I love them and they love me, they even support me during my quest for you. All I can do now, is hope that someway, somehow you will find this letter. I hope it’s a perfect sunny day when you read it, when your heart is open and your mind is curious. Until then, I will continue to pray for God’s timing to bring our lives together, again.

With love,
Cate

{born May 24, 1984 in Chattanooga, Tennessee}

strength.

This weekend while moving out one of my favorite residents I had a conversation that will probably stick with my for the rest of my life. Myself and this individual, who I will refer to simply as Smith, have talked for hours upon hours over the the past fifteen months. Smith is an intellectual, author, executive, psychologist, father, mentor and many more things. 

For myself Smith was a confidant. He would often come speak to me on Sunday afternoons and we would discuss people and strength of character of us all when going through seemingly difficult times. It was during a conversation of this type that Smith said something that I have though about endlessly. 

He stated that strength isn't always about being strong. It's not about being the one who holds it together for everyone and never lets anyone in. True strength is doing these things, but ALSO being vulnerable and experiencing life and letting it in.

Although I had thought about this statement endlessly, I had yet to apply it to my life. There was no way I was going to let go and be vulnerable, when so much rides on my strength, pathetic right? Luckily, one of my best friends called last night just when I needed her the most.

My friend and I were talking and I was trying to be supportive and remind her that everything will be okay. Be strong. She laughed and told me she doesn't like the new Cate that is always supportive and tells her everything okay. She missed the Cate that would sit, listen and talk about stuff with her. The Cate that talked about how her life, too, sucked at times. She misses speaking with the Cate that had bad days. I assured her that I do have bad days, but I felt like it was my duty, again pathetic, to just be supportive and essentially strong.

When did strength outweigh living my life? Why did it become so important to me to let everyone know I can get through anything? To let others know I am a survivor. Who have I become? 

The combination of both these conversations inspired me this morning. This two very special people reminded me that it is okay to be compassionate and live life. I don't have to go through life getting everything right {my coping mechanism for years of horrible decisions}. I can cry without judgement of others and I can admit defeat daily, as long as I get up tomorrow and try again. Most importantly, it reminded me of the heart I use to show and the friend it made me and that I did indeed live by the strength that Smith talked about, I just needed to be reminded. 

Thank the Lord for people who allow us to break down the seemingly indestructible wall of faux strength. Because it's not until this is down that we can learn to truly be strong. 

inspired.

I'm not sure if it was the purging of yesterday's post or what, but my creativity is back and I am obsessed with chalkboard anything!

Here's Tuesday morning's craft project.

I started with a wonderful find at goodwill for $9.99. It was a great mirror with a shelf that I originally had in the living room, but the fit wasn't right so I decide I would...Chalkboard it! {goodwill and any thrift store will have hundreds of frames and mirrors, so just look past it's flaws and envision for the greatness that it can be!}

And ta-da!!

I am so in love with the new look of the bathroom and can't wait to buy some chalk and put an inspirational quote up. {fyi: you cannot buy chalk at target, dollar tree, dollar store or food lion... go figure}

a day that changed it all.

It's been a time of uncertainty and change and I am finally adjusting.

Finally adjusting to being a first time home buyer, a mom of two lovely black labs, yard work, 28, living in love, staying positive without getting overwhelmed and many, many more things. It's fun though. I never had a great understanding of what adulthood would be like, but I am simply loving it.

But as I enjoy and love life, I can't help but think of the road that got me here.

Ten years ago I entered college with lots of fear, anxiety, loneliness and excitement. I did not want to trust anyone because just a mere two months ago my life had been turned upside down.

While on senior trip with two lovely ladies, my mother called to let me know that things would change when I get home. I got home seven days after graduating from high school, after spending six glorious days with the girls, to find out that I am no longer welcome to be in my home.

As part of my parents divorce, my father was to pay child support until I was 18 and to pay for my college education. I turned 18 seven days before graduating high school and while I was on senior trip my mother realized that dad was no longer going to pay monthly child support. So when I got back from Florida mom and I drove to Chattanooga and had a sit down with my father.

My mom starts the conversation and I realize immediately that my life as I know it is about to change forever. I still remember the complete disbelief of what I heard. She informed my father that is was not right that he stop paying her child support, while I would still be there that summer. She told us both that it would now be my responsibility to pay her that money and cover more than I already helped with or move out.

I was terrified. I couldn't leave my friends the summer before college, but how could I pay $800 a month and save for college, since it was decided I wouldn't work freshman year. How could I live with this woman that is doing this to me? I cried, cried some more and looked to my father. He looked at me as if he had waited my whole life to save me. He grabbed my hand and looked at my mother and said Cate can live with us. So that's what I did.

I had always dreamed of living with my dad, but my mother wouldn't let me. I was always envious of the stability that Ann, my heaven sent {step} Mom, Cheryl, my {half} sister and Dad had at their home in Chattanooga. So I knew this could be a great thing, I just didn't know how my fragile spirit would get to that great point.  I can't think of a lonelier time in my life. The very day of this conversation I moved in with my dad. We both cried and talked. We didn't understand what was going on, but both decided that day that it would be for the best.

That day I lost my best friend. A wedge was driven between my mother and I that can never be removed. I didn't hear from her for weeks. I finally reached how to her via a letter and we attempted to hangout once, but got in such a huge argument that we didn't talk for months. In those months I forgave her, but those feelings of despair and fear never left me.

It is my hope that sharing this will help me once and for all release all things about that day and truly move on. To know what happened and move on into a life filled with forgiveness, trust, understanding and most importantly love.

Thank you for indulging me as I venture back into writing. It is my hope with this blog to figure out the essence of myself. I hope you will stay along for the ride as I share all the things that make me Cate. I suspect lots of crafts, great reads, recipes and lots lots more to be shared.

Yours Truly,

<3

On the inside.

I'm totally in love with my home. I aimlessly walk around, taking in all the space and charm!

To top off the beautiful home, we have some great neighbors that we already had dinner with at Amigo's across the street!! Not to mention Amigo's has $2.50 nachos on Tuesday.... needless to say I will have my fill of Mexican food.

Enjoy the pictures of the inside!

the house.

I haven't wanted to get to excited because it wasn't final, but today I found out I will be closing on my first home on Monday!! I am beyond excited that I have reached this point in my life and can't wait to move in Monday evening.

So here it is...

{3707 Casa de Molly}

{with the Loretta}

{new roof}

{back deck off of master suite}

I am in love. It was built in 1946, foreclosed on in September 2010 and purchased by the current sellers. They took it down to the studs and put on a new roof and siding. They refinished the hardwood floors and did an immaculate job on the painting and details. It's 3/2 with a huge master suite! The best part is that it sits on an acre and Molly has a huge back yard. 

More pictures to come. 

Oh, April.

The past year writing has been the one thing that gave my solace, but recently I have been all over the place in my head that I simply couldn't imagine sitting down to write. I haven't had a clear thought in months. It's exhausting and for whatever reason the beginning of the year is always like this for myself.

I don't have anything exciting to share today, but wanted to thank each and everyone of you who has read my blog over the past year. Your comments and messages warmed my heart and I assure you there is more to come.I just bought my first home, started working out again for first time in years and am approaching 30 with an overwhelming excitement and fill certain there will be many amazingly stupid and funny stories to follow! And as always I will share the ups and downs and look forward to sharing them all with each of you.

Thank you, everyone!


Much Love,

Cate